Family Systems and Self Definition

I’m amazed when people say something like, “I never take a stand on an issue. It might cause division among my family members.” Folks, let me tell you something: the division is already there. You coming down on one side or the other should not cause problems. In fact, I would submit that with a very contentious issue, someone clearly defining self is exactly what is needed to calm the family system down in troubled times.

But there are ways to take a stand and there are ways not to. Allow me to elaborate…

First of all, you will never be a truly good family member unless you can define self.  Simply, this means knowing what you think, what you believe, what your vision is, and what you will or will not do. What are your core values? What are your operating principles? Do you know? Have you ever sat down and written them out?

Having a clear definition of self does not mean that you have to either inflict your values/ideas/beliefs/visions on other people or even that you should try to persuade others to share them. It simply means that you know what you think. You need to also be open to understanding what other people think – without judgment.

Soon enough, someone will ask you. “So Anna, what do you think about transgender people using the [other] washrooms?” Most of the time, you probably know what you think. But you’re just afraid to say, in case someone gets “upset.” 

“Upset” can mean a number of things. It may mean angry, or disappointed, or ashamed. Such feelings can also translate into conflict coming to the surface from its previously suppressed position in the sub-basement, or it can mean someone threatens to, or actually does, stomp off and vow never to speak to you again. In fact, those who might never speak to you again have been getting their own way for quite some time with such threats. What most people don’t realize is that the presence of these emotionally reactive folks is holding the whole family up for ransom. 

Defining self will inevitably be met with resistance and sometime even sabotage. Yes, the threat-makers will be “upset.” Conflict may come to the surface for the first time. But I promise you something else will happen as well: if you can “stay the course” and not join into the emotional reactivity of others, then the whole family will calm down and finally, perhaps for the first time in years, you will have a healthy family that grows and flourishes – knowing its purpose, allowing for differences, and being inclusive of all. It’s important to remember that you must stay in contact with the one who stomps away, however. You can’t allow cutoff in your family as that makes the stress go up even higher. Talk to the person(s) who want to cut off. Reassure them that there’s room in a family for everyone to have differing opinions about religion, politics, pop culture, and all sorts of other things. You’re a family, after all, and family members all need to love one another unconditionally.

Figure out what you think, and don’t be afraid to calmly speak your truth, or tell anyone who asks.